Intrusive thoughts continue to be one of the most challenging symptoms I see people experience in pregnancy, postpartum, and beyond. It's so easy to misunderstand them, few people talk about them, and these sticky thoughts often center on the very things that most upset us.

I'm going to share more information for partners/family members and for therapists in future posts, but to start with, here are five quick facts that might help you understand what's going on if you're experiencing intrusive thoughts.

1. Intrusive thoughts are unwanted, scary or distressing thoughts or images that invade our consciousness aka just pop up in our head. The majority of new parents have had intrusive thoughts of accidental or deliberate harm to their baby!
2. For many people, an intrusive thought pops up and we're able to move on from it without much effort. For others (particularly with a history of anxiety, depression, or trauma), intrusive thoughts are repetitive, can become stickier, and then they start causing us more distress.
3. Intrusive thoughts are what mental health professionals call "ego-dystonic" - this means that the thought feels unacceptable or repugnant to us - we don't want it to happen.
4. Having an intrusive thought about harming your baby does not mean you will "snap" and hurt your baby. Research has shown that parents with intrusive thoughts are very low risk for causing harm to their baby.
5. When we try to repress or avoid intrusive thoughts, we inadvertently give them more importance and power and they can become more intense and frequent.

If you're experiencing significant distress or worry about your intrusive thoughts, you can feel better. And as scary as it seems, talking to someone who understands perinatal intrusive thoughts is a good place to start. If you're not sure who that is in your life, contact the Postpartum Support International HelpLine at 1-800-944-4773.

If you feel like you're in crisis, you can call 988 to be connected to your local crisis team. There's also the 24/7, confidential Maternal Mental Health Hotline: 1-833-943-5746.

I participate in an Affiliate program with Bookshop.org, an online bookstore "with a mission to financially support local, independent bookstores." A purchase from my link will pay me a small commission, and gives a matching percentage to independent bookstores. You can view my Bookshop "shop" here: https://bookshop.org/shop/laurieganberglicsw. These recommendations do not constitute medical advice or a therapeutic relationship.

"Being with" is a concept that shows up a lot when you're a therapist, supervisor, and parent; and it's illustrated beautifully in the children's book The Rabbit Listened by Cori Doerrfeld.

The urge to fix — to provide a solution, to solve a problem, to make your kiddo happy again — is powerful and comes from a place of wanting to help. Yet, this instinct can be the opposite of helpful. You've heard the folks who say, "hey, just relax!" in response to someone's worries, right? It comes across as invalidating, condescending, and definitely unhelpful.

When we're able to be with someone in their experience, we can be curious, we can better understand, and ultimately, we can probably be more helpful. In Doerrfeld's book, the rabbit comes along to provide a compassionate presence and and a listening ear; eventually, the child is able to share their story, their emotions, and figure out what to do next.

In therapy and supervision, I aim to be a compassionate, nonjudgmental presence and I try to notice those urges to fix when they come up. In doing so, I hope I'm also modeling and supporting my clients in learning how to be with their own experiences and emotions. (The opposite of this is mindless social media scrolling, Netflix binges, etc — a fine distraction some of the time, but not very useful as a long-term strategy.)

In the realm of parenting, it can feel even harder. Being with your child in their hurt, sadness, anger, shame, or fear can feel excruciating. When we can do that, we demonstrate that these emotions are tolerable and not something to be feared, avoided, or pushed away. And, when we let go of the responsibility of making our children happy (something we can't really do anyway) there's a sense of relief. All we have to do is be there and listen.

I participate in Bookshop.org's affiliate program. You can see more recommendations at https://bookshop.org/shop/laurieganberglicsw. If you end up buying a book through one of my links, I earn a small commission and they donate the same amount to independent bookstores. Many, if not all, of these books can also be accessed through our amazing public library system, often as physical books, ebooks, or audiobooks!

I find myself often recommending the same few books to clients, colleagues and friends so I thought I'd start sharing them here. And, as a former small, independent bookstore employee in college, I'm excited to participate in Bookshop.org's affiliate program. If you end up buying a book through one of my links, I earn a small commission and they donate the same amount to independent bookstores. Many, if not all, of these books can also be accessed through our amazing public library system, often as physical books, ebooks, or audiobooks!