BEING WITH

"Being with" is a concept that shows up a lot when you're a therapist, supervisor, and parent; and it's illustrated beautifully in the children's book The Rabbit Listened by Cori Doerrfeld.

The urge to fix — to provide a solution, to solve a problem, to make your kiddo happy again — is powerful and comes from a place of wanting to help. Yet, this instinct can be the opposite of helpful. You've heard the folks who say, "hey, just relax!" in response to someone's worries, right? It comes across as invalidating, condescending, and definitely unhelpful.

When we're able to be with someone in their experience, we can be curious, we can better understand, and ultimately, we can probably be more helpful. In Doerrfeld's book, the rabbit comes along to provide a compassionate presence and and a listening ear; eventually, the child is able to share their story, their emotions, and figure out what to do next.

In therapy and supervision, I aim to be a compassionate, nonjudgmental presence and I try to notice those urges to fix when they come up. In doing so, I hope I'm also modeling and supporting my clients in learning how to be with their own experiences and emotions. (The opposite of this is mindless social media scrolling, Netflix binges, etc — a fine distraction some of the time, but not very useful as a long-term strategy.)

In the realm of parenting, it can feel even harder. Being with your child in their hurt, sadness, anger, shame, or fear can feel excruciating. When we can do that, we demonstrate that these emotions are tolerable and not something to be feared, avoided, or pushed away. And, when we let go of the responsibility of making our children happy (something we can't really do anyway) there's a sense of relief. All we have to do is be there and listen.

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